| liar liar |
[10 Sep 2009|10:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
yeah it's my fault.
i'm a sneak bitch.
but why do i continue to lie?
i'm supposed to not be afraid to be honest.
but i don't want him to worry over nothing.
when things are going awesome it's kind of hard to bring up something like that...
but then it sits too long and it's brought up cause i got caught.. which is 7875689 times worse!
i guess the more honest i am the less he will worry,
he'll be upset more but worry less.
honesty really is the best policy.
me lying makes him feel like it's worse than it is,
but really i lied cause it wasn't worth the trouble.
lying takes up way to much energy and thought...
yghijklfgh
i love him so much.
i wish love was all you needed to make it work.
love is what makes it all worth while.
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| yeah |
[03 Sep 2009|08:25am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
i hate feeling helpless.
when did things have to get so complicated?
i'm tried of being the only optimist.
i just want him to want to try..
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| :) |
[27 Jul 2009|09:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
it's officially day 6 of me getting up early and running every morning.
it seriously feels awesome..
things with ryan have been amazing.. he's amazing!
i'm no longer a concierge and i got promoted to a new position that was just created!
i'm really liking it so far. it's a new type of apple specialist. i'll explain later.
basically, life really seems to be falling into place for me..
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| the aftermath.. |
[18 Jun 2009|12:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 optimistic |
] |
i really really think i'm going to be okay.
ryan is doing so much better than i thought he would.
if anything it shows how strong our relationship really is.
i really am not going to go into what happened.
i'm so sick of even thinking about it.
but it does make me wonder..
do i really regret this?
i regret my actions of course, but i don't regret knowing what i know now.
things happen for a reason, even shitty things..
but it's up to me to make the best of what happens,
grow and learn from my mistakes.
me beating myself up about it really doesn't make it better.
yeah i should feel bad i did a horrible thing,
but i'm bettering myself and making sure i don't make the same mistake again.
yesterday was actually of the best days with ryan even though i had probably the worst day with ryan the day before.
we might not have had that awesome time if it weren't for the bad time.
maybe i was meant to learn my lesson and he learned something too?
aren't times always the worst before they get better?
if we hadn't have been through this maybe everything would just be the same and boring and we wouldn't be talking.
life is so strange.. yet beautiful.
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| ghjkl |
[16 Jun 2009|01:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 depressed |
] |
easily the worst day of my life.
i've never felt more horrible about myself.
my stomach is in knots.
it's going to have to be like this for a little while.
who's fault is it?? MINE!
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| my boyfriend is amazing. |
[15 Jun 2009|10:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
never has a guy found me worth loving in spite of my mistakes.
it's going to be hard.. but we can get through it.
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| caRAZY |
[18 May 2009|09:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
so i'm much much better now in regards to my last entry.
but i still don't know what to do.. hahaha!
ohhh life.. you and your unexpected forks.
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| ? |
[15 May 2009|12:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 gloomy |
] |
i really just don't know what to do anymore.
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| early in the morning |
[21 Jan 2009|07:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thirsty |
] |
last night ryan and i had some cocktails with andrew and blaire and we played catchphrase.
it was way fun!
before that ryan and i had the afternoon off
and we borrowed a rug doctor and used it in our living room and our carpet looks amazing!
i saw kyleen and it was really nice..
what she did to me still really sucks but i still miss my friend.
today is wendy's last day! YES!
(wendy is a wretched person i work with at the preschool)
but yeah i'll be a big girl and be nice.. like i've always been to her.
but god she's such a bitch, i just don't know what her problem is..
i better get ready for work now..
is it raining outside? weird..
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| haha |
[17 Jan 2009|10:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thoughtful |
] |
well happy new year bitches.
i have feeling it's going to be a good year :)
it's been pretty good so far i suppose..
well to be honest it feels like i've been spending a lot of time thinking about what i don't have
and what i wish i had.
as i observe lives of people i know
they all seem to be finishing up school and they know what they're doing, they're traveling, experiencing all kinds of exciting things, and most shockingly there's little evidence of money troubles.
obviously not EVERYONE but it feels like most.
normally it makes me all jealous and bitter.
but lately i just kind of smile and think about dumb little things that i'm thankful for.
sure i'm not in school right now, i don't know when i will be again,
i bust my ass and don't make very much money, i struggle paycheck to paycheck,
my best friend disappeared, and i'm too afraid to fully attach to my new friends,
i can't focus, i always procrastinate, i have no plan..
but i have a weimaraner, the dog i've always wanted since i was a kid,
thats goofy, and loves me, and follows me everywhere.
i've been in a healthy amazing relationship for 3 years and 3 months with ryan
who i'm madly in love with, and we live together in a cute little house thats ours together with our dog,
where we cook baked potatoes and watch discovery channel.
i have my classroom of 23 four year olds who think i'm the coolest grown up ever and they all look up to me and learn from me every day.
i have my three big brothers who would do anything for me even if i'm an annoying little sister.
AND i have some really cute shoes..
:)
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| be careful what you wish for.. |
[05 Dec 2008|06:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 uncomfortable |
] |
well what do you know,
i have PLENTY of time now post an entry or two..
yesterday i twisted the shit out of my ankle,
all last night and today i've been stuck lying down with my foot wrapped in an ace bandage with a bag of frozen corn on top of it.
how did this happen you ask?
well it's quite ridiculous really..
i had the afternoon off from apple and i had worked my morning at the preschool.
so to pass the time around 4:30-5ish when ryan left to go to work,
i decided to take willy for a walk like i do quite often in the wash behind my dad's house.
i'm not quite sure if i ever mentioned our new house in oro valley is across the street and one house over from my dad's house!
so with willy i only use his leash as we walk down the steps into the desert and then i let him go.
he only runs like 20 feet away before he comes running back.
it's in his breed to not be far from his owner..
a hunting dog thing so they don't stir birds too far out of shooting range.
so yeah he runs back and forth and back and forth while also sniffing around and exploring.
when i start to get ahead of him he notices right away and runs to catch up.
he goes crazy fast that willy dog..
i always move out of the way cause it's not like he stops right when he gets to me.
so yeah he was off sniffing and i was ahead of him.. he didn't seem to notice so i decided to run ahead.
he finally noticed and came running super fast, i moved to the side so he could pass me but he ended up running right into the back of me knocking my feet out from under me!
i felt my leg twist when i landed and i heard a pop.
holy shit did it hurt..
i immediately started crying as the pain rushed to my left ankle.
i feel really awkwardly sort of on my right side.
willy ran back my way and was standing over me
i was cussing at him and i hit my fist in his side.
i tried to get up but i couldn't lift my left foot!
thank god i brought my phone with me.. i almost didn't bring it since the battery was almost dead.
i called ryan right away and told him where to find me.
he had almost made it to work when he turned around.
he suggested i call my dad to see if he was home since it's so close.
my dad wasn't home but he sent andrew to come get me.
i was already embarrassed as it is that i got hurt in a stupid way and now ryan AND andrew were coming to help me. to make it worse my dad called back and said jennifer is near by at the stables and she's coming too!
jennifer is my dad's annoying girlfriend i can't stand.
why did she need to come?
a. she's not my mother
and b. what could she possibly do to help?
i have my boyfriend who's familiar ankle injuries,
and my large brother who cam life heavy things coming to help!
i HATE being fussed over especially in a situation where i'm helpless and embarrassed.
so i'm laying there on the ground with my clothes full of stickers, unable to move and my crazy dog circling me.
just waiting for someone to come cause it's starting to get dark.
ryan came first and tried to help me up.
it was pretty painful and not working too well, and willy was getting in the way.
ryan took him back up to the house and came back as andrew came.
jennifer came too with some ice.
andrew started carrying me the way back and he was starting to get tired.
funny cause he lifts 190lb axles for a living..
it occurred to him that i should get on his shoulders the way he carries axles.
so i did.. hahaha.. and he was able to carry me no problem.
he carried me to my dad's and they took my shoe and sock of to discover my swollen ankle.
it swelled more through the evening..
at one point it looked like someone cut a baseball in half and glued it to my ankle.
the other side just looked as if my ankle had disappeared.
andrew wrapped it in my dad's jelly ice thingy and everyone left after that.
i was stuck on that couch and i watched 4 movies in a row.
i had to hop to get to the bathroom, and wow has that been annoying.
when andrew came home he heated me some pizza, made me a salad and handed me a nice cold beer.
it sucked he was stuck sort of watching me while ryan had to work til 11.
blaire eventually came over and she brought me some frozen corn for my ankle and some oreos to make me feel better. :)
when ryan came to get me and take me home after work he had brought me an ace bandage, some chocolate truffles and step brothers on dvd!
my very shitty situation ended up being a fun eventful night!
i even went to sleep pretty comfortably but my ankle was killing me in the middle of the night.
ryan has been great help.. he's severely rolled his ankle 3 times so he knows what to do.
he's been wrapping it for me, and helping me make sure my foot stays elevated.
he was at work all day today which was hard, since i had to hop around and it hurt pretty bad.
oh yeah which brings me to my next story..
but wait ryan made me mac n cheese so i'll finish later...
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| weird.. |
[30 Nov 2008|08:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
reminiscent |
] |
sometimes i miss my old livejournal days..
i remember the days when i updated EVERYday!
it seemed like such a simpler time..
i was kid! holy shit i've had this journal thing for SIX YEARS!
i think i was 14 about to turn 15 to be exact..
it's amazing how life changes.
i lived at home, i didn't have a job, i just went to school.
now i live on my own, have 2 jobs, and i don't go to school.
maybe i'll start taking time to write in this old thing more often..
my stories are much more interesting and grown up.. haha!
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| miss sawah |
[08 Oct 2008|08:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
so i'm at work yesterday, at the preschool,
and i started getting lunch set up for the kids.
i happened to leave my phone on the counter,
and i notice i had a text from my mom..
"i just heard sarah allison died due to complications after having her baby!"
i seriously froze and didn't know what to do.
sarah allison was a girl i worked with at noah's ark for like a year and a half,
we became pretty good friends but i haven't seen her in several months since she moved back to prescott.
the last i heard she was pregnant and excited to be a mom..
obviously i started crying almost immediately..
and i asked if i could step outside for a minute.
i called my mom and she explained what she had heard.
i guess sarah had her baby boy, he's healthy and everything was fine,
3 days later she developed a freak uterine infection and died while being airlifted to another hospital.
she was only 20 years old!
i don't understand why things like this happen, it's insane to me.
how a mother can be taken from her newborn baby, and how she was so young.
luckily sarah has a pretty big family so that baby will be loved.
i'm not sure the role the dad plays but i know he's been with her through the pregnancy.
what's even sadder is her family can't afford the costs of a funeral and things like that.
my grief so far has been in waves.
i lost it at work when i first found out.
i'll be fine and then i'll cry at random times.
i still went to work at apple last night and i was able to hold my composure.
but here i am sitting at home, i was supossed to be at work at 8..
but i can't bring myself to go for some reason.
i'm all ready to go and i'm just sitting here running it over and over in my head.
i still can't believe it.
i wish i knew more about what happened or even if it could have been prevented.
i woke up this morning thinking about how sarah didn't get to :(
the preschool called a half hour ago and left a message.
they just wanted to know if i was feeling any better since they didn't see me at 8,
it was a really sweet message they werent mad at all,
when i feel up to it they want me to call and just let them know if i'm coming in.
i probably should..
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| wtf? |
[28 Sep 2008|08:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
i just don't get it i guess.
and maybe that's my problem. :(
so yeah i cute my hair real short again,
it's pretty cute but my hairdresser was on crack and it needs to be touch up quite a bit.
i think i'm going to the greek festival for lunch today..
i'll be able to catch some of the chargers game when i get home.
i leave for florida on thursday. :)
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| i can't believe it's september already.. |
[03 Sep 2008|10:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
i called in to work today,
my tummy doesn't like when i move around very much.
i still wanna try and make it into apple at 2:30, i'm sure i'll be fine by then.
oh yeah so i'm going to florida october 2-5!
my cousin lina is getting married the 4th, and she lives in ft. lauderdale.
my mom and i are going and i'm so excited.. my aunt diane has all kind of plans for us!
not to mention i've never been to florida and i like going new places.
so yeah as of early august ryan, greg and i have lived in a new house!
it's only $1000 a month as opposed to our $1200 a month shit hole we did live in..
and it's bigger, has a nice backyard with a tree and a lawn, a 2 card garage!
and it's 5 minutes away from my preschool, so yeah it's in oro valley!
i actually live across the street and one house over from my dad!
which is very different if i were to live near my mom..
my dad isn't intrusive nor does he make me feel obligated to see him all the time just because we're neighbors.
but it is nice when i take willy for walks and i see my dad in his yard and stuff.
yeah taking willy for walks is way better.
i don't even have to keep him on a leash!
we just go behind my dad's into the wash and there's miles and miles of desert to run and play in.
it's actually a horse trail i think.
and the best part of all my street name is labyrinth!
yes like the david bowie movie! :)
what i really like the most is it feels so much more like a home here.
the other place seemed just cold and dirty.
i have a big pretty room with a walk in closet and we actually have carpet instead of those concrete floors.
and our neighborhood is just so cute and quiet..
there's some pretty big houses too, we're just on the smaller end.
our landlady jill is really nice too.
she lives a few streets over and we just drop rent off at her house.
it's so much better than dealing with a company like we did before,
they screwed us pretty bad when we moved out, i won't go into it now..
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|
| duck.. duck.. goose! |
[26 Aug 2008|09:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
i kinda love right now :)
i'm really sleepy but i'll talk about my new house and stuff later..
and apple has corrupted my life with iphone 3g and i really want one now.
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| holy crap! |
[26 Jul 2008|09:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cheerful |
] |
haha not like anyone really reads but i'm sure you're all dying to know what i've been up to!
haha.. not really.
this journal is more for me to keep record and reminisce really..
i'm sure a few of you might read and thats exciting.
so yeah i have work at apple at 11 and i'm just killing some time.
the fifteenth was my 21st birthday :)
ryan and i DID get to make it to california!
my paychecks turned out to be really big
especially when i added some last minute babysitting money of $145
and about $80 birthday money.
i was able to pay for most the trip and ryan paid for gas on the way back.
so yeah we stayed with his mom like we usually do.
we came in sunday night.
and monday we went to la jolla beach with ryan's brother and sister joey and cassie.
so my power hour that night was pretty funny..
it was the night of the 14th and i was almost too tired to make it to midnight to go to a bar.
plus is was a monday night..
but ryan, his uncle rino and i went to some random old bar in santee called "the second wind"
which was fun and ironic since i was tired and i had a "second wind" and decided to go out.
the place was empty, it was less than an hour til close and there was only one customer at the bar.
we told the bartender i had been 21 for like 15 minutes,
and the one guy there told me happy birthday and he bought me my first drink! haha!
i had a rather big long island ice tea.
and then ryan and to go and order me a shot of grey goose.. damn him.
and then rino got me a scooby snack which was way delicious.
me being slightly buzzed, we all headed off to the casino.
in caifornia you can gamble at 18 so it was nothing new,
i had won $250 on my 19th birthday at the same casino.
so rino thought we could use my birthday luck at the slots.
i was sooo pissed. i lost $80!
but then rino won and gave me back what i lost haha.
i wanted to play black jack so bad thats where i can win!!
so anyways we got home around 3 and since rino had work really early he woke ryan and i up and let us take his bed.
it was so nice since we're usually stuck with the couches.
it was so lovely we slept in, then ryan and i headed out to mission beach.
we laid out an hour or so and decided to walk around.
we went to a place called the sand bar which was a sports bar and grill type place
and you had to be 21 to enter :)
i had a nice burger and a beer for lunch.
i was sad though cause i didn't get carded!!
luckily about a half hour later a guy who had just started his shift kept eyeballing us.
finally he came over and asked for ID.
i was like "thank god finally! it's my 21st birthday!"
and he was like "happy birthday! be sure and let your bartender know.."
so when our bartender came up he told her "hey it's her birthday.."
and she was like "oh happy birthday!" and walked away.
haha lame..
so later we came home and showered and stuff.
i straightened my hair and i got to wear my "little miss birthday" shirt!
andrew called cause he happened to be in santee doing a pickup for work.
so he came over, showered, and we all went to dinner!
so it was me, ryan, andrew, ryan's mom, cassie, joey, aunt petra, oh and rino came towards the end.
haha oh yeah and before we went to dinner ryan's aunt tammy stopped by with a birthday card and a bottle of wine!
okay so yeah we went to oggi's which is a pizza brewery place.
we had delicious salad and pizza and i had a cosmo and an amarreto sour :)
afterwards we stopped at the house and made plans to meet aretha at pacific beach!
sadly it was only ryan, andrew, and i.. petra and rino didn't feel like going out.
but it was still so much fun!
we met at cass street bar where i had a beer.
the we went to moondoggies where i had a shot of 3 wise men (jack daniels, jim beam, jose cuervo) a washington apple, an around the world, some gin and tonic, and another amaretto sour.
i know you're thinking ewwwww but surprisingly i didn't get sick after all that mixing!
i did get pretty drunk though.
aretha's friends were pretty cool.
there was a guy named merlin.
yes merlin.
and him and andrew were hitting on french canadian girls.
hahaha such a fun night!
poor ryan was the dd and i could tell he was bored.
on the drive back i wanted jack in the box so bad but none were open.
so we got carl's jr. instead and i was in bed by 2.
the next day we went to seaport village with ryan's mom, cassie and joey.
we walked around and went in all the cute shops,
we also got mexican food and i was able to get a strawberry margarita :)
like i said i had felt fine from the night before.
we spent all day there and that night we went and had pizza with ryan's dad.
our last day we went to la jolla beach and then saw the midnight showing of the dark knight!
so amazing!!
even though the movie was long, it went by fast because i was so into it!
easily the best movie of the summer.. or the year!
i literally gasped out loud and covered my mouth during many of the scenes..
it was very shocking and intense!
i was a little skeptical at first if heath ledger's performance really would live up to all the hype thats been building since his death.
in the first scene appeared the audience would laugh at everything he said, naturally, but as the movie went on people stopped laughing as they realized how complexly disturbing the joker really is.
he did amazing!
he embodied everything the joker should be from the first scene to the last!
i can't imagine anyone else playing the joker.
so yeah we drove back home friday morning and i had the rest of the weekend off which was lovely.
it's hard going back to work after a week off though..
well i just finished my first week back and i'm getting sick :(
all randomly i lost my voice on thursday, then it came back friday.
i feel like i'm getting a sinus infection or something.
i was fine at the preschool but i got sent home early last night at apple
i was so congested and i was all fevery.
my face hurt soooo bad.
i took some severe nasal decongestant/allergy/hay fever medicine and i put vick's vapo rub on my face where my sinuses are.
that really helped me sleep.
i woke up around 6:30 and i'm totally fine!
weird..
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|
| big gulps eh? |
[09 Jul 2008|08:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
well i found my phone so thats good..
well actually ryan found it in a laundry basket hiding with some towels haha!
but anyways i have a huge headache..
i haven't been able to afford caffeine.
i finally got my oil changed and brand spankin new tires today.
and since i had my starter fixed last week, and i'm replacing my burnt out tail light tomorrow,
everything is looking good for my truck and it will be able to make the trip to san diego!
but now our money isn't looking too good to make the trip to san diego :(
we owe my dad roughly $500 for the tires and he said we can pay when we get back.
but stew hasn't paid his part of rent this month and bills last month so ryan's account is overdrawn after paying rent.
stew owes him $455.
our electric is getting shut off on my birthday if we don't pay and thats another $100 and something.
ryan only got a small check of like $350 this week.
i have about $3 til i get paid friday.. and i still owe ryan like $200 left of rent since i had to pay for my starter to get fixed last week.
i owe my dad $22 for oil and a filter, and my mom like $50 for stuff she covered me for.
so we're wondering how we're supposed to have money when we leave for san diego sunday, spend a week there, and have money to pay bills and my tires when we get back?
cross your fingers for me please
i want this vacation so bad :(
p.s. the new iphone 3g comes out friday and it's been pretty crazy at apple.
i'm nervous since it's my first opening day thing.. but it's kind of exciting.
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| mint chocolate.. thats the kind of phone i have haha get it? |
[08 Jul 2008|02:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
i can't find my phone.
it literally disappeared.
last time i saw it i was talking on it when i was almost home
but my battery was starting to die and it beeps really annoying like until it dies
so i turned it off right before i turned down my street.
then i got home and when i walked to my room willy was lying on the bathroom floor waiting for ryan to get out of the shower and he didn't notice me.
so i tapped him on the shoulder and he turned and got all excited and we played.
and then i set my purse and keys on the desk.
i didn't go anywhere else or use my phone.
when i took ryan to work early this morning i remembered i needed to charge my phone but i couldn't find it anywhere!
it wasn't in my purse or on the desk.
and after i dropped him off i looked in my truck.
and then all over our room, kitchen, bathroom, and i still can't find it.
i can't seem to remember what i did with it after i had turned it off..
this is bad.
well at least ryan got me a thin mint cookie blizzard
cause that is gooood.
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| yeah |
[06 Jul 2008|11:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
hopeful |
] |
a week from today i'll be in san diego.. and two days after that is my birthday!
i can't wait, i really could use a vacation..
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